Dealing with Conflict: The LONG Game.
Gracefully Dealing with the Upcoming Backlash
Recently an Ohio State University student publicly lashed out on Twitter because she was jealous that her boyfriend was dancing and flirting with a black girl. And while this young black woman was beautiful, the offended girl said that dating a black girl is "weird."
Aleigha Mason, a first-year at Miami University (Ohio), is subject of the video, and posted it.
“Its crazy that racism still exists here @OhioState can’t believe the color of my skin is “weird”. @KatelynRust a sophomore at osu,” Mason tweeted.
“I didn’t even know she existed until today. I danced with her ex boyfriend and for what I understand that’s why she made that video,” Mason said in a text. “I just want her to understand that her comments are hurtful and not okay.”
Here are the two young women:
Both of them have pretty, fresh young faces. But one have them has become convinced that her standard of beauty is so coveted that any woman (especially a black one) can not compare. When you've been told your entire life that you are the standard of beauty, and that black women are ugly and the most undesired, it is indeed a shock when you see an ex boyfriend you may still have feelings for dancing and flirting with a woman you deem inferior.
As more and more white men become more aware that black women are a romantic option for them, and become more disillusioned with the spoiled behaviors of white women, be ready for the level of hateful, racist rhetoric to increase from white women.
In another case, an unfortunate U.K. woman named Jo Marney was outed for saying disparaging things about Meghan Markle because of her black heritage. When she said her racist remark, she thought she was speaking amongst friends. Here's what she said:
In both cases, you have two white women who truly believe that they are superior in every way to black women. That CAN NOT BELIEVE that a woman with black ancestry could capture the attention, heart and commitment of their most coveted men, and they don't like it.
And ladies...it will get worse, as more and more black women begin to capture the white man's gaze. And you will need to be aptly prepared for the blowback, backstabbing, and passive aggressiveness you will witness from them. But understand this--you won't be able to best them by operating in the traditionally confrontational ways black people do. You're not going to be able to blow up and cuss her out. There will be no "keeping it 100." You are going to have to beat them by playing THEIR game.
Now before I get into the tactical elements of all of this, understand that not every white woman is your enemy. It is essential to pink pill life that you understand this. Like I said in the video, it was a white women who outed both these hateful women. You will have to be clever enough to identify your allies from your enemies. That is going to take some subtlety and patience on your part.
Understand that the jealousy that white women have against black women is NOT new. But thanks to modern feminism, there are now consequences for such behaviors, and you best believe they were not counting on that!
White women have had a hand in oppressing black women by forcing their husbands to enact laws that relegated the offspring of slaves who were mixed race as black (one drop rule) in order to protect the inheritances of fully white children, at the urging of white women. Interracial marriage was illegal until 50 years ago by many states to preserve the white woman's position. Men who strayed from this social order where shunned--locked out of business opportunities and valuable social networks that could enrich them. Who do you think was in charge of the social agenda back in those days? The idea that white women were innocent bystanders as their men reeked havoc upon African slaves in an absolute lie. Here's an excerpt I recently stumbled upon that you MUST read:
"The Victorian Agenda
Just look at history. The strict Victorian middle class moral code was imposed by women on both sexes. That code was designed to protect women's social power which comes from controlling male access to sex. Never mind that women could not vote and held no political office. They could still induce male politicians to enact laws or support customs which protected women's power and control over the social agenda
That Victorian agenda had enormous social and political consequences later on. Consider racism as illustrated in India during the British Raj. Before the memsahibs (Victorian British women) began arriving in numbers after about 1840, British men generally treated Indians as social equals. They consorted with Indian women and often took them as wives. They regularly invited Indians into their homes.
Once the memsahibs arrived, however, male social openness came to a screeching halt. It was just too threatening to British women. They did not want to compete sexually with Indian women unencumbered by the Victorian moral code. Mostly Protestants, the memsahibs were potentially vulnerable to divorce. Accordingly, they quickly managed to impose a code which branded all Indian nationals, of both sexes, as social inferiors and banned them from all British social functions. Likewise, the memsahibs banned British men who had Indian wives or openly consorted with Indian women. They saw to it that these outcasts were also ostracized from British men's clubs or other all male social functions. Such men had virtually to "go native" where they posed no "role model" threat. A 150 years tradition of social equality practiced by British men went out the window. That memsahib social code soon became the standard throughout the British empire.
Were Women Behind Southern Slavery?
In the American slave-holding South, something similar happened much earlier. It would have been terribly threatening for white women if slave-holding men could fall in love with, then free, and later marry their former slaves who would then have rights of inheritance and such. So the white women quickly put a stop to that. The tactics were the same as the memsahib's. They branded black slaves as social inferiors, even subhuman, and then ostracized white men who openly consorted with them. The ethic remained in effect long after the North freed the slaves and we are still coping with its aftermath.
The Protestant Reformation played a role here, of course, because it opened up the right of divorce. On that issue we can compare what happened socially to ex-slaves in the U.S. with those in Brazil which remained Catholic and outlawed divorce. White women thus enjoyed much more protection. Even if their husbands took concubines from among the slaves as many in fact did their property was safe. Thus white Brazilian women did not feel the necessity to denigrate the social worth of slaves nearly as much as Southern American women did. Hence, when Brazil ended slavery in 1888, the former slaves socially integrated into Brazilian society much more quickly than in the U.S.
Women Punish Men Who "Go Native"
We can make almost precisely the same comparison of the Amer-Indians. On both sides of the Rio Grande white males, when alone, quickly accepted Amer-Indian women as social equals, hence as wives or open consorts. But, North of the Rio Grande, when the white settlers showed up with white wives, it was memsahibism all over again. The white women felt threatened and reacted by making the natives into social inferiors and ostracizing white men who consorted with them.
South of the Rio Grande in Mexico, the story was much different. It was a repeat of Brazil. Anti-divorce laws protected Spanish white women. So they did not feel so impelled to impose a social code which demeaned the native Americans or to ostracize Spanish men who consorted with them.
In none of these examples did women hold formal positions of power. Still they had no trouble getting those who did to enact women's self-protective social agenda which then did much to create the tradition of racism found in the U.S.
Judge the Present, Not the Past
I won't condemn, years later, what women did to protect themselves. They were vulnerable and faced real threats. They had limited options. So they did what they felt they had to do. I understand that and don't presume to judge them. I mainly want to point out that they had real power and they used it, ruthlessly if necessary, to protect themselves. Not that men don't have much to answer for, they do. But I do wish people of radical feminist persuasion would quit blaming our WASP great grandfathers for the whole legacy of racism inculcated in our culture when our WASP great grandmothers in fact played a central role.
Meanwhile it amuses me to hear radical feminists whine about how little power they have. But the fact that they wallow in collective self pity and a well cultivated and highly politicized sense of victimhood is mainly a political tactic. It sets the stage for their key weapon, mainly the bum guilt trip. If only grudgingly, however, I must conceded the effectiveness of that weapon; they have used it like a flame thrower to frighten a nearly all white male Congress and White House into enacting much of their current social agenda. But in my view they have gone too far. Men are waking up to the fact that it is a bum guilt trip. Our culture, for better or worse, was created by both sexes. If in different ways, with different kinds of power, both sexes participated in forming our culture and both must work together to change it. Scapegoating one set of ancestors or another can only delay the changes we want to make." [SOURCE]
Perhaps the biggest and most insidious damage done to make black women feel inferior to white women was how we perceived our hair. Black women spent the better part of a century in trying to hide their natural coils with wigs, harmful chemicals and heat styling. But if we knew our history we would know that our crowns were a MAJOR threat to white women during slavery, who urged their husbands to enact laws to prohibit black women from showing all the elaborate styles the caught the attention of white men. Rewritten history will try to report that white society made black women cover their hair because it was so "ugly." Oh no. It was because it was so BEAUTIFUL and UNIQUE from white women's hair that it drew attention away from them and on to slave women. Look up the history of the Tignon, a head covering uses to wrap around the heads of Creole women after laws were passed in 1786. According to Wikipedia:
"Women of African descent vied with white women in beauty, dress and manners. One of their most standout physical attributes that separated them from their white female counterparts was their hair. Some of African descent would often adorn their hair with colorful jewelry, beads and other accents, demonstrating an exotic appearance white [sic] attracted the attention of white male suitors...French and Spanish Creole men incurred the jealousy and anger of their wives, mothers, sisters, daughter and finances [sic].”
LADIES, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN COMPETITION FOR WHITE WOMEN, BECAUSE WE HAVE ALWAYS CAUGHT THE GAZE OF THEIR MEN. The big, long con convinced us all that it was because of how "ugly" our hair was, that caused us to develop such internal hatred of our hair, when if fact, it was white women who put that in place because of the fear of losing their men.
Centuries later, the descendants of the women who convinced their men to enact laws to hide our crowns have also been convinced of our inherent inferiority, and are truly shocked and dismayed that non-black men would ever choose us over them. Even we black women continue to be shocked by this interest, and often meet the men who show us interest with suspicion.
That Was Then, But This is Now.
In the 1700's, when women had no rights, white women took a mercenary approach to eliminating the competition. They did what they had to do to survive, and ensure their well-being and that of their children.
BUT TODAY IS A NEW DAY.
Thanks to the Feminist Movement, lead by white women, women have all the rights that their ancestors never had. They have the power to vote, own property, have complete reproductive control of their bodies, travel freely, run businesses, the list goes on and on. The very men who moved mountains to protect and provide for them are now rudderless as third-wave feminism sets out to demonize masculinity.
So TODAY, when that age-old competitive jealousy rears its ugly head, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. 'Becky' is getting called out and dragged for her racism. Much to her shock and horror, her tears are no longer sufficient to distract and garner pity for the wrong she does. TODAY, 'Becky' is being outed by other white people, who no longer have a taste for her shenanigans and have low tolerance for overt racism.
In the past, white women were able to use their husbands of instruments of racial brutality while still being under their oppression. Understand this: there is POWER in victimhood-- both black men and white women have convinced the world they have no power or hand in injustice. "Women has [sic] always had power to set the social agenda, and for both sexes. The constant complaint that women are powerless victims of a male dominated world is not and never has been true," said Bill McDonald, author of Memsahib Power. Black men use their victim status to refuse to build up their own communitiesseek generational wealth, leave their children fatherless, abuse black girls and women and engage in criminality.
White women, and to a large extent, all non-black women never counted on black women to effectively compete and secure the same resources they seek. This is a shock that shook it all. After centuries of relegating black women to undesirable and untouchable status, aided and abetted by black men, the tide has changed, and mainly due to the hubris of both white women and black men. They have both gone too far, and again, provides us with a strategic and tactical advantage if we understand how to maneuver.
I got a really good comment in reaction to this video, and I'll use it to segue into tactics on how to deal with the non-black women you encounter on your pink pill journey, and the tactics they may use that may seem completely foreign to you.
"CK I've only ever disagreed with you once and even then I later realized you were right but this is your BEST vid yet because it's foreshadowing what the future will look like. You are dead on with the word Discretion!! We must recognize allies, be cunning and always put ourselves in a position to win. Again, you are right, you cannot negotiate what a man is attracted to, Beckys complaints will fall on the dead ears of white men who've decided to date out. The only solution is a physical and feminine arms race, black women must continue to be the best version of themselves and to 'outfeminine' other groups. Only dumb Beckys vocalize their hatred for bwwm couples this way, these women who are being blunt, griping, complaining etc are showing their hand and are acting like Black people usually do. As a collective we don't do things the correct way. That's why I don't protest, it's done from a position of weakness, a black conservative once called it 'angry begging'; marginalized people should work to attain wealth and donate to politicians the way rich people do. Black women must learn to move in the background like other women do. White women who feel threatened have every right to their feelings, we do have allies but the ones who want their pedestal and that of their daughters to remain just as high will be smart and cunning about it when they work against us and we must be ready. I need to think about what form their retaliation will take, the world is smaller so it could be limiting their sons access to other groups by moving to very white areas, dictating their kids go to certain colleges, or encouraging the boys to marry younger before they've had a chance to date out, I'm not sure, I'll have to think on it more. Regardless, the human story on this planet has always been one of competition, we black women would be FOOLS not to be prepared or to stop thinking ahead.”
Study the history of etiquette in aristocracy and you'll discover an important cornerstone to good breeding: don't make a scene, always be polite, and carry yourself with respect and dignity. Watch the series, The Tudors, and you will get an idea of how families vying for the king's favor would form alliances behind the scenes, plot to elevate their family members to augment their station, and smile in the faces of their enemies while the worked to vanquish them. The backstabbing happened with a courteous smile.
Aspects of that culture of 'polite backstabbing' persists in the passive aggressive nature of most upper class white women. They won't make a scene, but will use other covert tactics to try to alienate you.
I remember being young, naive and just out of college when I had my first boss from hell--a white woman named Carrie. She had a deep resentment of me from the beginning, because it didn't sit well with her that I was able to negotiate a $40,000 salary as a mere junior account executive. She did everything she could to undermine me--from telling other junior associates my salary and how she felt I was unqualified for the position, to deliberately sabotaging my efforts with clients in order to make me look bad. She rallied other women in the office to in her campaign, and encouraged gossip. No women would come near me. I was frozen out of lunches and off-work events. She deliberately set out to humiliate me under the guise of "professionalism" every chance she got. I felt helpless, depressed, and powerless. Her superiors where aware of her actions, but she had such good relationships with clients who were bringing in money that they looked the other way.
Whenever I reacted emotionally and lashed out, the situation got increasingly worse. She would always leave the situation composed and in control, and I looked like a basket case.
My encounter with Carrie was the first time I'd ever experienced the conniving, passive aggressive nature of female bullies. And while you don't have to worry about getting your ass beaten in the street, the effects of such bullying can be just as painful and longer lasting. Little did I know that her behavior was a direct result of her own jealousy toward me, and her perceived threat to her own position. She had to eliminate the competition by any means necessary. In this case, she played the long game and won.
How black women deal with conflict, anger and outrage are undeniably different from how white, Asian, and to some degree, Hispanic women. Our "Live Out Loud" our culture of saying whatever is on our minds without shying away from face-to-face shouting and even fist fighting is financing whole networks with reality television fodder. We've watched our mothers get loud and tell off school officials. We've blown fuses in the boardroom. We loud talk and curse and proudly proclaim that we are NOT the ones to be fucked with.
And...how's all that working out for us? Not very well. We have a global reputation for being confrontational and inappropriately blunt. You personally may have done nothing to perpetuate these stereotypes but it doesn't matter. We're stuck with this label, and it's up to us individually to display the counter-narrative--not necessarily for the benefit of all black women of the world (that would be great if that happened) but so that YOU don't get immediately disqualified from relationships--friendships or otherwise because of those presuppositions.
Another mistake in putting all your angry, frustrated feelings out to others is that you've shown your hand. You inadvertently show your opposition your weaknesses and level of tolerance and lack of discipline. As I've mentioned earlier, your competition (opposition) is observing you, even if you aren't paying any attention. She's always watching, sizing you up, to ensure that you're never a real contender for the men she wants too. It's the reason white women LOVE a fat, jolly, overweight girlfriend to go out with. In that condition, she KNOWS that the type of men she seeks will completely ignore you and make her look more appealing to everyone.
So, while your competition is observing you blow up and lose your temper, you have given away valuable information about yourself. She knows that she can use your impulsivity to her advantage while still maintaining her poise.
Do you see how the CNN host, a white woman, used three different black women of three different archetypes--biracial and petty, older and no sexual competition, and a loud mouth, to do her dirty work for her? While all three black women PUBLICLY pile on Omarosa and dance around the fire at her misfortune, the white woman remains mum, covers her face with mock embarrassment with the paper, and allows the black women to tear each other apart on her platform. Now I ask you, who comes out looking like the lady with class? How much do you want to bet these women have no idea they were being used in this way?
A common white woman tactic you may encounter is her setting you up to "act ghetto" or neck twirl. You think she's just so impressed with your rawness, when in fact, she is using YOU to position herself as a more self-disciplined and refined choice. She knows you have a short fuse, and she'll try to light it if you let her.
Your opposition's biggest fear is a lovely, fit, intelligent and refined black woman outshining her. It's why she will happily co-sign with a "you go girl!" attitude about maintaining your obesity and/or having out of wedlock children with men who have never had any intention on being husbands and raising their children under the same roof.
Your opposition knows that your weight issues and out-of-wedlock births make you less of a worry in the competition to acquire the best men. And we happily go along with this "faux approval" because it gives us a temporary ego boost. In the end, we lose, because you have counted yourself out as a true contender.
The sign of TRUE class is an ability to NOT indulge our basest instincts. It is not that we don't seek to one-up those who have wronged us--but we do it in more subtle ways that take more long-term planning with less of an immediate emotional payoff.
Instead of being Queens of the Long Game we opt to be Queens of the Clap Back. Feels good while you're doing it, doesn't it? But once the dust has settled and it is time to get on with life, you've probably lost friends, allies, and a potential romantic match who saw how you handled stress and conflict to shabbily.
Manage Your Emotions, Rule the World
Black women, we are going to have to harness our emotions and use this to work FOR us instead of AGAINST us. That doesn't mean being a non-feeling automaton; in fact, it's the opposite. In the past, black women have only felt free to express a limited range of emotions--anger, but not fear...outrage, but not sadness...happiness but not TOO happy, worry, but never, ever helplessness. In short, any weakness we show leaves us open to exploitation, so we bury them away. They don't disappear, but manifest in other ways, such as stress and comfort eating, or blowing up at someone who "comes for us."
How we handle our anger and conflict in public is one of the biggest indicators of your social standing. Making a scene, and forcing others around you to feel uncomfortable because of your outburst is a definite no-no. Outside of the black community, which often has a high level of bloodlust for drama, losing your composure, cursing and spitting and being ready for a fight ALWAYS goes wrong. It may feel good in the moment but once it's over, you have to live with the aftermath.
At this point, you might be thinking, why do I have to stuff all my feelings of outrage and anger down? Why can't I just BE MYSELF??? Well, you're free to be yourself, but understand that your mouth and your temper will alienate you from acquiring the friends, men, and job promotions you seek. So...is it worth it?
Understand that once you attempt to position yourself with poise and grace, there will be those who will feel uncomfortable about you not fitting into the box they've categorized you in. They will test you, and your limits. They will metaphorically throw punches and hide their hands. You will need to be ready for them when they come.
TACTICS and RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
There will be times where the passive aggressiveness of non-black women will put you in a position where you will have to respond. She might say something degrading or even racist. She may spread gossip about you. You'll have to understand the rules of engagement.
Often, the first step in attempting to trap you or damage your reputation with people you're close to is by first ingratiating herself to you. This is done in order for you to be seduced by her flattery and glad to have a "new friend" who takes such an interest. In so doing, she will hope you reveal some part of yourself that can be used against you.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Not everyone who comes on enthusiastically friendly is out to get you, so you should NEVER respond with rudeness or cattiness. Early in a budding friendship it is normal not to share all your intimate secrets and details about your life. It's okay to maintain some mystery.
Because of the relative "newness" of interracial relationships, your significant other's friends and family may also ask questions bordering on inappropriate. Sure; answer questions about how you met and cutsie questions like that, but hesitate to answer questions that give away too much about your upbringing. Someone you just met doesn't need to know your papa was a rolling stone or a jail bird, or that you cousin Rocky has 15 kids by 9 different women. Revealing too much information too early (or ever to the wrong people) can disqualify you from valuable social connections and relationships.
If someone asks you an intrusive question, throw it right back with a smile and a head tilt. Say, "Why do you ask?" as sweet as maple syrup. Then as deftly as possible, change the subject to something inane like the weather or how much you love her shoes. If he or she gets too pushy, work the room and look to mingle.
Here's a few other tips on how to divert intrusive questions while maintaining your grace and composure:
To respond to and ask personal questions politely, consider these tips from etiquette experts.
• Use humor. If your aunt is bugging you about being single, for instance, you can say, "Gee, I can't seem to find the right convicted felon to settle down with."
• Show by your body language -- for example, reduced eye contact -- that you are not comfortable with the question. If you are the one asking, pay attention to the other person's body language, to gauge whether the subject is open.
• Consider the source. Your grandma might mean well when talking about your single status, for instance, but a colleague might just be nosy and gossipy.
• Be polite but firm. You can simply say, "I'd rather not say," or "I'm not comfortable talking about that." Repeat if the person persists.
• Respect boundaries. If people don't answer your questions, they probably don't want to. Respect that.
• Gently but firmly shut it down. If a family member is bothering you about having kids or another personal matter, you can say something like, 'I'm not worried about it, and you shouldn't be, either."
• Answer a question with another question, such as "Do you really need to know that?"
• Change the subject.
• Be polite yet assertive. Initiate a polite but assertive discussion with people who repeatedly ask about a topic you don't want to discuss. Tell them how it makes you feel, and ask them to stop.
The only way to ascertain if people in the new ecosystem you are navigating in are allies is time. Someone once told me, "Time does it's job." No truer words…
TACTIC: DEALING WITH OVERT HOSTILITY
I've recently discovered how using etiquette rules of engagement to disarm (and shame) people who come to me angrily and disrespectfully, and it's working like an absolute charm.
A man whom I'd been coaching once lashed out at me in frustration about his lack of experience re-entering the dating world after a divorce and building up the nerve to start dating black women. He wrote me a rude note on Facebook, and I simply said, "I don't think I've done anything to deserve you speaking to me this way. I don't appreciate it." Instead of saying what I initially wanted to say (tell him to f*ck off) I implemented a reaction this white man was probably more used to. He crumbled like a cracker. He apologized profusely and begged for my forgiveness.
For us black women, there is a necessary relearning of how to deal with those who offend us. We first must learn how to tap into what makes us feel anger, and what lies just beneath. Anger is a blanket emotion that hides a whole host of others that make us less comfortable to face.
Secondly, we're going to have to learn how to give more passive and subtle clap backs, and allow for others to save face, instead of crushing them completely.
For example, in her book, 'Gracious', Kelly Williams Brown talks about how to deal with rude people who lash out at you. In an interview with a woman named Virginia Provosty, she says "A really great habit is to remember that you don't have to answer right away. Just pause, then look[s] them in the eye, and say, 'I'm sorry you're upset. Is there something I can do to help you?'" She also reminds her readers to "view from above," at a bird's eye distance to gain some perspective about what might be going on with the offending person's life and recognize that a good portion of the time, their bad behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you personally.
Exercise: Get in Touch with Your "Softer" Emotions
Work on developing the emotions you've felt you've had to suppress. Joy, sadness, fear, helplessness. When you find yourself feeling a strong emotion that wants to manifest itself as anger, take a moment to really analyze what is is you're REALLY feeling. Start a journal and write through your experience so that you can better understand what it is you're feeling, and then be strategic about how you want to proceed.
Don't Be Afraid to Use Your Tears
Anyone who has followed me for any period of time knows that I have not been too stoic to publicly cry. Many of my black female fans expressed dismay that I would cry so openly. That's because black women have been taught from birth that crying shows too much weakness and leaves you vulnerable to those who would harm you. Also, no one comforts you when you cry. No one is motivated to help you and instead of feeling a sense of chivalry to "rescue" the maid in distress, the men laugh and mock you. If you do cry, you must specify that the tears come from anger. I've often heard from women, "I'm not crying because I'm sad! I cry when I'm pissed!!!" Black women don't even have compassion for EACH OTHER when we cry. We tell each other to NEVER let anyone see our weaknesses. And as a result, the world thinks that black women are somehow more tolerant to pain than other races of women.
But a funny thing happened when I showed tears and others outside the black community observed it. Many of the men mobilized to come to my aid. Emails behind the scenes from attorneys, IT experts, law enforcement, and other men reached out to me offering their assistance. They hated to see a woman cry, and it motivated them into tapping into their masculinity to help me in any way they could.
Once you get out of the toxic, upside down world the vocal segment of the black community, you will discover that you will have more FREEDOM to express those delicate, softer feelings, and you will observe how the display of those feelings ignites a fire in men outside our culture.
We laugh about the effectiveness of "white girl tears," but let's face it--they work. Again...study your opposition. Watch her.